THOUGHTS TO COUNT
.............hopefully counted since april 25, 05 ...........
7.04.2005
I was born in NY
I feel like getting monumental with some words and expressing how I feel on this independence day. I want to convey in some way how it feels to be an American, to say some words that will make a difference to me, to convince me that I can be right now to believe in the country that I was born in and that I know, when there is so much wrong with it; when so many disagree.....But those words don't exist, because it is so hard to say anything right now about a country that I hardly understand on the large scale, whose collective democratic motives for liberty and justice are so distorted in many ways...America I think is no more than a belief in the minds of its citizens, and since I am an American, I hold a piece of emotional stock in the place, I have a portion which holds me culpable for all things committed in the name of America the Free, and it is also my passport to freedom and the right to own a piece of beautiful land, and to be a part of a strange and beautiful community...This is my birthright. This is the right of 300 million plus. We are all shareholders in this thing, this monstrosity, this liberator, this evil-doer, the land of opportunity and democratic right, of collectivism and nationalism, harborer of the criminal, protector of christ and the flag, a contradiction and an enigma.
America is free. We are all free. Our minds bind us. We run infinitely in distracted thoughts, retracing our paths, digging with our feet deeper into the confused and blackened ground; we shout progress as we see ourselves burying our feet deeper and deeper in the circular tracks. Not blind, but blinded by the light and the circus and the charade, neon glowing and reflecting off our glazed eyes; we see others and we recognize them as TV stars or famous heroes and we gawk to bask in their transmitted reflective glow. Just the same we see derelict neighbors and paupers and gawk then flip the switch of our schizoprenic minds back to the stars and the lights and the distractions which swirl around us as we move ever faster and harder, digging our feet in the ground shouting 'Progress!' while grabbing at everything that shimmers with flailing arms; things that we touch and posess but do not value or retain as we run ourselves further downward, more tired now and confused, into the continually blackening and magnificently kalidoscopic space. We have constructed a terrific cave of wonder and distraction. I yearn to see a glimpse of the light, true and tangible, from its mouth like Plato once did. I wish this light to shine bright and real and subliminate the distraction.
My roomate (wherever you are TC, we love u so) was once writing a paper on transcending human form and achieving enlightenment. Because I was in science and engineering, he thought to ask me how he would calculate the probability of a specific event occuring for a specific grouping of people over a certain period of time. Naturally, I inquired as to what variables we were dealing with, to get a better idea of the problem. 'What group of people, what event, and what timeframe?' He answered 'All sentient beings achieving nirvana together in an infinite time frame'. My only possible solutions were extrapolated from standard deck-of-cards probability assignments. We were now playing with a veritable non-standard deck. Of course the problem was never solved. We puzzled over it for a few minutes and gave it up. I hadn't realized how important a question it was. Not the question itself, but the thoughts it evoked. The essential background is the buddist belief of whatever type he studied, (Theravadan, Mahatman) that a being cannot achieve complete enlightenment alone because all life energy is intertwined, inexplicably linked, with that of all other sentient beings, making it necessary for all beings to ascend toward Nirvana at one time, with those who have progressed farther being slowed by those who refuse to make steps towards that goal. This means something to me again as I think of my country held up and stagnating in refused progress, some dragging feet while others make heroic steps toward wholeness.
We're all in it together, this at least I can conclude. For better or for worse. With only finite time.
P ¶ 09:08
America is free. We are all free. Our minds bind us. We run infinitely in distracted thoughts, retracing our paths, digging with our feet deeper into the confused and blackened ground; we shout progress as we see ourselves burying our feet deeper and deeper in the circular tracks. Not blind, but blinded by the light and the circus and the charade, neon glowing and reflecting off our glazed eyes; we see others and we recognize them as TV stars or famous heroes and we gawk to bask in their transmitted reflective glow. Just the same we see derelict neighbors and paupers and gawk then flip the switch of our schizoprenic minds back to the stars and the lights and the distractions which swirl around us as we move ever faster and harder, digging our feet in the ground shouting 'Progress!' while grabbing at everything that shimmers with flailing arms; things that we touch and posess but do not value or retain as we run ourselves further downward, more tired now and confused, into the continually blackening and magnificently kalidoscopic space. We have constructed a terrific cave of wonder and distraction. I yearn to see a glimpse of the light, true and tangible, from its mouth like Plato once did. I wish this light to shine bright and real and subliminate the distraction.
My roomate (wherever you are TC, we love u so) was once writing a paper on transcending human form and achieving enlightenment. Because I was in science and engineering, he thought to ask me how he would calculate the probability of a specific event occuring for a specific grouping of people over a certain period of time. Naturally, I inquired as to what variables we were dealing with, to get a better idea of the problem. 'What group of people, what event, and what timeframe?' He answered 'All sentient beings achieving nirvana together in an infinite time frame'. My only possible solutions were extrapolated from standard deck-of-cards probability assignments. We were now playing with a veritable non-standard deck. Of course the problem was never solved. We puzzled over it for a few minutes and gave it up. I hadn't realized how important a question it was. Not the question itself, but the thoughts it evoked. The essential background is the buddist belief of whatever type he studied, (Theravadan, Mahatman) that a being cannot achieve complete enlightenment alone because all life energy is intertwined, inexplicably linked, with that of all other sentient beings, making it necessary for all beings to ascend toward Nirvana at one time, with those who have progressed farther being slowed by those who refuse to make steps towards that goal. This means something to me again as I think of my country held up and stagnating in refused progress, some dragging feet while others make heroic steps toward wholeness.
We're all in it together, this at least I can conclude. For better or for worse. With only finite time.
P ¶ 09:08
